It occurred to me I’ve been very quiet on this blog recently and it’s only fair to offer an explanation.
JJ’s father and I have decided we are no longer going to be continuing our relationship.
It sounds so clinical to put it like that but I don’t know what else I can say, I never thought I would be a single mother but I just couldn’t hold on any more. There comes a point where you have to accept the fault from both sides and decide if it is really resolvable and we just couldn’t work through our issues.
It’s hard to be with a borderline, any article or even any psychologist will tell you the disorder is known for extremely chaotic relationships and that paired with the intense fear of rejection and fiery rage of emotional dysregulation turns me into a volcano sometimes.
Something triggers me and I have to physically outlet that emotion-formally through prolific self harm but lately more in the vein of smashing things or slamming doors. It’s noisy and annoying as hell and it takes a lot of strength to see someone you love in that state. It also takes a lot of strength and effort to learn about triggers and coping mechanisms to help your borderline partner, and he was either incapable or unwilling to learn these things, and I have to believe I deserve someone who can see through my disordered mind and love what is underneath enough to try.
I never saw myself as a single mother, I guess that’s a stupid thing to say, considering its not something you would ever really plan, but what I mean is I’d never even imagined the possibility. As a kid I always thought I would fall in love, get married and then have children. We’d grow old together,maybe have grandchildren, a dog or two and obviously that white picket fence-the whole nine yards of domestic idyll. As I grew up I wanted that less and less, I questioned whether I even wanted children or if motherhood would ever appeal to me.
I never thought I’d be sat alone in my house, crying over an empty cot because my son has gone to his dad’s overnight, but for the same of my long term wellbeing, short term sadness is a small price to pay.
My life is on pause for now, but it isn’t over. Yes I might be a young parent, and newly single with more baggage than the airport lost and found but all I can do is move forward. It’s such a cliché to say I’ll be finding myself but it’s honestly true…I’ve started treatment for my borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder and I’m cautiously hopeful that this could be the beginning of a brighter future. It’s scary being on my own but whilst I wouldn’t go so far as to call my relationship toxic it definitely wasn’t healthy, and sometimes it’s better to face the fear and jump into the unknown.
I’ll sign off ever hopeful, this might not seem like a good situation but I’ll always be looking for the positives.